The Magic Kingdom

I’m confused; shall I write to you, for you, with you or at you? Install crass commercialism in the rawest form possible? Perhaps, boring you with mundane procedures in brake pad replacement and *motor repairs, all while making a somewhat feeble attempt at vaulting my untested yet recently infused/confused abilities. Let’s throw in some grainy snapshots of myself and “buddys” building MONSTER *motors! Yes, that’ll get their attention! Nahh, been there, done that, decades ago!

Candidly, my reading of certain “Porsche Post” pages has been a tad painful as of late, all of which can be attributable to myself and no reflection of great editorial content. OUR editor arrives without privilege of pay and my accolades appropriately aim in his direction. My self anointed license as a President of this club allows a more candid approach towards the hows and why’s of writing in our magazine. The written word remains therapy for me and as I’ve been told, therapy in any form should be part of my daily regimen! While arrogance may be at the surface of my comments, fear no more interpretation in that direction. For, as years have become decades in the service of this thing of ours, my realization has come full circle with the recognition of how my limits of knowledge must be expanded upon. As a younger man in the service of Porsche, the somewhat pointed item balanced between my shoulders morphed into such a HUGE size, IT had difficulty fitting through my 12’X 12’ door. Foolishly seasoned veterans such as me, invariably gravitate toward the enlightened realization of humility. Being irreproachable was a byproduct of early success, so much so that I now look for skill enhancement in overcoming my attitude adjustments of that culture club.

Today, a philosophical viewpoint on building stuff is where we’re headed. Diagnosis, assembly, fabrication, welding, painting, upholstering all on a professional level, require a true respect for the art form. Peers should be duly impressed and in awe, if not, the prostitution proliferates in the false declaration of professionalism..

Days ago, a poorly executed group of repairs were presented to me in a similar fashion as a trip to Disneyland would.. Mr. Turbowner had the tickets and we went on a ride, my sympathy tagged along. Brave soul, through and through; he felt compelled in shouldering responsibility for the abysmal decimation of his turbo. Repairs had been anything other than that. Unfortunately, proverbially, the icebergs tip has been hardly explored as his engine made clear a suffering from the “modification” illness had befallen this once proud 300 pony cauldron of power. Illness such as this is generally induced through a belief of that supernatural formula of HP’s, executed by the clowns of horsepower via the profound belief in the mystical remedies of engine work. Real Porsche guys know the numbers are B.S and as such, take on an air of entertainment.

Body pieces grafted onto our lame dark horse during the collision phase of Porsche decimation were rudely positioned, welded and rust protected. The left front suspension pick-up point was centimeters higher than it’s right side brother; AFTER it was “pulled” on a frame machine! The paint was dissimilar to OEM requirements and along with his *motor, behaved as Michael Jackson did in his latest interview. Turbo man’s only recourse was to “unload” his Mary Shelly Masterpiece, in short, Bail!

Certification, verification, and/or training remain hopeless in the scheme of accreditation of US automotive services. European facilities have a far more comprehensive way to deal with this, dating back centuries, beginning with the term, “apprenticeship”. Trampled upon here, yet sorely needed. You KNOW what sells in the magic kingdom, HYPE! Be it in service or sales. Performance/quality, ahh, that was lost decades ago, at least on this side of the pond.

One of the indirect clues to proper performance in my field lies within performances at the track. Pure competitiveness in REAL racing environments can allow smart people to shine their shoes on fools back. Not to be confused with occasional D.E.’s.

Migrating back to “engineland”, I purge myself of this diatribe to allow a more proper description of engine “builders”. Elementary possession of a chassis/engine dyno does not materialize into the magic and wonders of the genius deep within true builders.. Indeed, by this interpretation, I am NOT an engine builder in its purest form. A captivating arena, the engine building stuff! Sadly, I must travel to the left coast to get happy within the knowledge/applications of proper engine language. When I assemble a proven set of components mutually tested through a real engine shop, an inevitable outcome is reliable performance and durability, akin to when the powerplant was new. Am I outing myself? Judgment must come from results and results are the measure 39 years of not f’ing around. “Keep your engine as a stock component”, is more of what I would suggest than exploring where no engine has gone before.

Try selling your Porsche after you lose emissions capability! Have I arrived too late in the game? Sitting with that albatross around your neck? I hope not! Remember, no one wants your “talked into” courtesan? If you want to thank yourself for an incomplete homework assignment than buddy up to shop owners. NO? Too smart for that, well, seems as if you will be checking shop credentials/accreditations beforehand.

Finally, our monorail has arrived back in collisionland; poor soul with the crooked car and too many ponies is left with little choice but to sell it for pennies on the dollar OR hopefully, the buddyed up shop owners will return original investment paid to him… wait! My breath is getting blue!

Motor-a device that converts electrical current into mechanical energy.
Engine-a machine that converts energy into mechanical force, distinguished from an electric motor by its use of a fuel.
Conclusion-Use of the term Motor is crude and inappropriate in terms of our discussions.